Monday, 5 November 2012
"Mine!"
Working at the Old Spaghetti Factory last night, I heard a young child crying out "Mine!" several times. There is an accepted "mine" and "no" phase very early in development (a couple of the first words/ideas learned, right?). Such negative energies so young... I don't want my kids to grow up that way. Do I have a choice? Yes, a very difficult one.
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Ahh, I do remember feeling that I could teach my child to be a certain way - to maintain their purity and perfection. For them to never have to say "No" or "Mine". To be allowing, open, creative.
ReplyDeleteSo soon after birth, however, I was humbled, and gained solace in Kahlil Gibran's words... "your children are not your children, they are the sons and the daughters of life longing for itself". Slowly, painfully, then with expanding liberation, I realized ALL I could do was guide, not control, even though, OH, how I tried to control!
Funny, my children taught me more than anything else I have ever known, and taught me how little I actually knew - opening my connection for a twinkling of understanding of all humanity... :)
Controlling is the consequence of fear, as is the need for acceptance, even from one's own children. We all want to know we're doing a good job, and we all want to make sure things happen (such as the growth of our children into beautiful human beings), out of the fear that it won't happen in the way we imagine. But nothing will ever come to pass as we want it to. I think I learned that a long time ago by trying to predict conversations and situations: it never worked. Never, and I did it a lot.
ReplyDeleteWe all want life so badly, and are so scared it will not be fully realized. It is difficult to trust in anything but ourselves.
I think about my future children often, and how I might raise them. I must keep reminding myself that all I can do is prepare in the ways I can and trust to the rest.
I am beginning to see parenthood as the most important thing I will ever do.
Absolutely... controlling is also EGO based. We see our children as a reflection of ourselves, and yes, we are fearful, and want to be accepted, by a judgmental society as well as by the child. "Look at my child - isn't he/she great? Isn't he/she doing well!" "Look at that child (stumbling) it must be the parent's fault".
DeleteSooo, I am seeing that to be the best parent one can be, is to be selfish and concentrate on PERSONAL fulfillment. Each soul has their own life to live - allow them to live it without hovering; allow choices, mistakes without judgment. Seek personal joy, peace, love, satisfaction and these things will naturally flow out to all in your presence, especially the absorptive child.
And yes, I agree! Parenthood is the most important thing one will ever do. In the end, it is the eternal relationships that are the essence of our existence. The danger in this realization is to burden one's child with our OWN un-realized potential; to pass our sorrow or confusion on and seek to enhance our own image through the child's accomplishments. This does NOT allow for individual growth and creativity, but creates a dependent relationship. How many parents are martyrs for their children, or burden their children with expectations? I understand now that the less established one is, the more one feels insecure, fearful, and therefore passes that into the environment of the child in controlling ways. The more established one is BEFORE having children - the need to control dissipates.
And to complicate things, our society thinks we are selfish when we focus on ourself... on our own personal growth and health. However, it is those who are "selfishly" striving to enlighten themselves who - in the end - have the most to give.